I haven’t blogged in a while. I figured when Tommy turned one Id have a million and one things to write about and I’d be doing nothing but blogging, but it hasn’t been the case. A lot of the blog ideas I still want to write about, but I just haven’t been in no rush. I tend to blog when there is something on my mind, and truth is, there hasn’t been a lot on my mind. Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot going on and I am currently about the start a new chapter in my life, but mentally, I’ve just been getting on with it.

I should be nervous.

I start a new job in two days, a new job is an unnerving time for most people. But I feel no nerves. It’s a new employer but in reality, it’s exactly the same job I’ve done for 7 years. I know I can do the job. I know I’ll be given training in things I’m more than capable of just getting on with. It all just feels very familiar, like I’m stepping back into my old job.

I should be disappointed.

I thought I was at first. Its the easy option and this was my chance to go for it, to start a new career and take that leap into the unknown. But I’m not disappointed, I’m content with my choice. I don’t think I’m quite ready to jump into the completely new just yet. A year out of work on maternity and I think a gentle transition back into work life is what I need. Its a 16-hour contract spread over 3 days, meaning I still get tonnes of quality time with my son, time to still work on my personal projects and time to adjust.

I should be sad.

That my time of maternity is over. But I’m not sad. In fact in exceptionally grateful. Not only have I had a lot more time than most women on maternity leave but that I can now go back to work without leaving him completely. He’ll only be in nursery for two half days and I feel it is best for him to have this time away from me too. To explore the world on his own, to learn how to cope without me constantly by his side. which I have been for the entirety of his life.

I should be worried.

That Tommy will find it hard to adjust without me being by his side. Ok, so this one I am. Like I said, the entirety of his life, he has known nothing except being with Mum. He may crumble or he may thrive, and I think its that uncertainty that I am worried about.

 

Its funny, I started writing this blog post wondering why I’m not feeling the emotions I thought I should. But I’m ending it knowing exactly why. When you become a mother your own feelings are put to one side for that of your children. I will happily step into a new job without nerves, disappointment or sadness, because I know I am doing it all for my son. And the only emotion that matters to me is his.